I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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