Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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