The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
