please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
