My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
