Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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