All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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