I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Come on in and take your pants off
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