the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
