She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
