giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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