I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
