we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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