My sheets look like a crime scene.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
