I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
