Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
