i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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