Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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