i wish my penis had a tongue
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
