There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
