hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
honey bunches of taint.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
