whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
