I wish my penis had an off switch
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
