I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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