The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
