If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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