Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
