my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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