Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
