She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
