You can't special order awesome
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
