I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
