Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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