i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
