My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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