I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
