Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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