and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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