An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
