I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize