So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
