I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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