3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Is it because I queefed?
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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