I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
