and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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