So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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