my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
