Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
