Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How's work?
Spinning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
