I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
