I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
