On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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