yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
