he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
