I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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