if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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