There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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