Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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