i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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